


not without you

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Grief/Mourning, M/M, ghost Oikawa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7200692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m real, Hajime.”</p><p>Hajime shook his head, forcing his eyes down because he knew if he didn’t he’d get lost in Tooru’s eyes, lost in his wish for those words to be the truth.</p><p>“You died,” and it hurt to say it, it hurt so much that he couldn’t bare it. He hated his mind for playing tricks on him like this, for taunting him in the most painful way possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. does this feel real to you

Iwaizumi Hajime was fine, if fine meant having an ache in his heart that would never go away. Iwaizumi Hajime was fine, if fine meant never smiling again. Iwaizumi Hajime was fine, if fine meant crying himself to sleep because his best friend was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.  
  
So maybe Iwaizumi Hajime wasn’t fine. Maybe he wasn’t fine at all. Maybe he’d never be fine again, but he didn’t want to be fine in a world where Oikawa Tooru didn’t exist.  
  
Five days had passed since Tooru had died. Five days had passed since Tooru had been hit by a car while walking home from practice. Five days had passed since his mother told him that his best friend was dead.  
  
He should have been there. He should have been able to stop it. On the one day that he stayed home sick, on the one day that he wasn't there, Tooru had died. He would never forgive himself for that.  
  
Tooru’s funeral was tomorrow and Hajime didn't think he could bring himself to go. He hadn't left his room since the information got to him. How could he go out in a world without Tooru? How could he get up in the morning when he knew Tooru would never smile at him again?  
  
The day Tooru died was the worst day of his life, but everyday that followed was equally as bad. He felt numb. He would have given anything, anything at all to have him back. He would have switched spots with him in an instant. Anything to make the pain in his chest go away.  
  
When Tooru died, a part of Hajime died with him. His heart felt like it was split in two. He replayed the moment in his head, the moment everything fell apart.  
  
“Hajime,” his mother had said softly, too softly. She’d stepped into his room, face sullen. He knew something was wrong, but he never in a million years could have guessed the extent of it. He was supposed to grow old with Tooru. He wasn't supposed to lose him before he graduated high school.  
  
“There’s been an accident,” she started, and Hajime’s heart stopped. His mind started racing, thinking of all the possible family members that could have been hurt, that could have been dead. But then she said the words that he never wanted to hear, “Oikawa is dead. He was walking home from practice when he got hit by a car, I’m so sorry, Hajime.”  
  
Hajime blinked. Everything felt normal, because Tooru wasn't dead. “That’s not a funny joke, mom.” A part of him knew it was true, that his mother would never joke about something so serious, but the other part of him, the part that would have given anything for it not to be true, couldn’t accept what he was hearing.  
  
His mother looked like she was about to cry, “Oh, Hajime.” She moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. None of this made any sense to him.  
  
“Mom, it’s okay, mom. Tooru isn't dead.” He couldn't be. Hajime had always lived in a world with Tooru by his side. A world without Tooru by his side didn't exist. It just wasn't scientifically possible. One without the other didn't make any sense.  
  
“Hajime, please,” her voice cracked, and now she was crying, “I’m not lying to you.”  
  
He thought about the last time he’d seen Tooru. It was just last night. They’d walked home together after practice like they did everyday. The whole way home, Tooru wouldn't shut up about how  he was going to crush any competitor they faced. He was sure this would be their year. He was sure that they would win.  
  
Hajime had told him to stop being so egotistical, but really he’d been happy to see him in such a good mood. He’d seen Tooru upset over losses and volleyball failures more times than he would have liked, and seeing him confident made him feel good. Tooru’s optimism rubbed off on him, even if he’d never admitted it.  
  
Tooru’s last words to him had been, “Goodnight, Iwa-chan!” He’d smiled brightly, flashing a peace sign before turning to walk up his driveway.  
  
There was nothing special about that night. He went to bed and the next morning, he woke up with a fever. He’d wanted to go to school, but his mother insisted that he stay home so he texted Tooru that he was sick and he wouldn't be at school or practice. Tooru’s reply had been a sad face, along with a demand that he be there tomorrow.  
  
Except, he never made it to school the next day because Tooru died and that meant there was no reason for him to get out of bed.  
  
The sadness hit like a storm the morning after his mother delivered the news. The numbness he’d felt was replaced with tears. He never knew it was possible to cry as much as he had, and when he could no longer cry, he went back to feeling numb. Those five days since Tooru’s death had been a combination of despair, anger, loss and absolutely no feeling at all.  
  
When his mother knocked on his door, Hajime buried himself further into his covers. He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't want to talk to anyone other than Tooru, but he would never talk to Tooru again.  
  
He ignored the sound of his door opening and he ignored his mother when she said, “Hajime, Oikawa’s funeral is tomorrow. You’ll regret it if you don’t go.” Maybe that was true, but Hajime was full of regrets, so what was one more?  
  
He woke up crying at three in the morning. He’d dreamt of Tooru. It’d been like that ever since he died. Sometimes the dreams were good, but he wasn’t sure if he preferred those, because then it hurt more when he woke up. This time, he’d dreamt that he was walking home with Tooru when the car hit him. He screamed but there was nothing he could do. Tooru was dead, he’d died right in front of his eyes, and he was completely helpless. Even if it was only a dream, even if Tooru hadn’t really died on his watch, it would always be his fault.  
  
He didn’t go back to sleep that night. He just layed in bed, heart heavy, wishing he could have his friend back, wishing he could see him smile just once more. It was that desire to see his friend that got him out of bed in time to go to the funeral. It was that desire to see his friend that got him to shower for the first time since Tooru died. It was that desire to see his friend that got him seated in his mother’s car, staring out the window as they drived to a place Hajime shouldn’t have had to go for many, many years.  
  
“Hajime,” his mother’s soft voice broke through the silence, “I’m really glad you decided to come.” A tear rolled down his cheek as he struggled to mumble a response.  
  
“Yeah,” was all he could manage.  
  
He knew he was breaking his mother’s heart with the state he was in, but he was too broken himself to do anything about it. He wished the entire world would disappear. He wished that he would disappear with it. He wished a lot of things, but mostly he just wished he could have Tooru by his side again.  
  
It took him ten minutes to get out of the car after they were parked. He would have spent the entire funeral sitting there if it wasn’t for his mother, begging him to move, telling him he was strong enough for this. He wasn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to watch his best friend go in the ground. He wasn’t strong enough to face the friends he’d been avoiding, or the parents who he’d known since he was a little kid.  
  
One foot in front of the other, he could do this. Five steps, ten steps, and then he was being surrounded by his teammates, his friends, who’d been texting and calling him since the accident. Someone, he couldn’t register which one, was hugging him and saying something that Hajime couldn’t understand. They were all giving him that look, the same look his mother had been giving him, and it was just too much for him to handle.

Hajime pushed through his friends, mumbling something about having to go, and he didn’t look back when they called after him. He didn’t look back when his mother’s sad voice broke his heart, “Hajime, please.” He kept going and he didn’t look back.  
  
Maybe one day he’d regret this decision, but today wasn’t that day. Today, he could barely keep himself together. Today, he wanted to fall to his knees and let the world devour him. Instead, he kept going. He kept going until he was lost, lost in the middle of the woods surrounded by green and he couldn’t help but think Tooru would have liked it here, wherever here was.  
  
“I hate you,” he whispered to the ground, tears beginning to fall. This time, louder, “Do you hear me, Tooru? I hate you!” He yelled to the sky. Birds chirped around him. It wasn’t fair that his life was falling apart but the world still went on. It wasn’t fair that Tooru was dead and the birds still chirped, as if everything was fine. Nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again.  
  
He let out a strangled sob, a desperate cry, “How could you leave me?” The tears were a waterfall down his cheeks, but he went on, “You’re not allowed to be dead, you’re not allowed to be gone, not when I’m stuck here without you.”  
  
His pent up rage took over, screaming at the trees, screaming and begging to be heard, “You’re supposed to be my best friend! Best friends don’t abandon each other, best friends don’t do that. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Hajime threw his fist against a tree, but the pain was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He let himself fall to the dirt, tucking his head in his arms as he continued to cry. If he kept crying like this, he’d run out of tears.  
  
“I don’t know how to live without you,” Hajime admitted, voice broken. “It was always supposed to be me and you...but now you’re gone and I’m still here and I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going.”  
  
“Oh, come on now, that’s just pathetic.” Hajime jumped, eyes shooting up towards the voice, locking on a face he could never forget. Tooru’s face. Tooru’s voice. The words were playful, but his eyes were sad, sadder than he’d ever seen them. He wondered if he’d see that same sadness in his own eyes.  
  
Hajime let out a breath, “I’m losing my mind,” because that was the only reasonable explanation to seeing his dead best friend in the middle of the woods, but still, his heart beat a little faster in his chest.  
  
Tooru, or the Tooru of his imagination, moved closer to him, offering his hand. When Hajime could only stare at it, Tooru positioned himself on the ground next to his friend. Hajime swallowed, taking everything in. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes which he’d been staring at since he was a child, that he somehow hadn’t gotten enough of.  
  
“I’m not in your mind,” came Tooru’s voice, breaking him out of the trance. He laughed, and it was sad and pathetic but it was the first time he’d managed the sound since Tooru had died. Tooru, who was now sitting next to him, a figment of Hajime’s imagination.  
  
“Oh, Tooru,” his voice was soft, laced with desperation. “I wish you were real.” He felt a fresh tear roll down his face, but no more followed.  
  
“Hajime.”  
  
He had to close his eyes, the sound of his name leaving Tooru’s lips piercing his heart.  
  
“Hajime, look at me.”  
  
He opened his eyes. Tooru was crying, and he reached over to wipe the tears away before he knew what he was doing. His heart stopped when he felt Tooru’s skin because this may have been his imagination, but it felt so real and he’d spent days in bed wishing he could touch Tooru just once more, wishing he could see him just once more, wishing he could tell him all the things he’d never had a chance to say when he was alive and maybe this wasn’t real but it was also the best he’d ever get.  
  
Hajime pulled Tooru into him, soaking his shirt with tears. “I miss you,” he sobbed, “I need you. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything. I don’t,” he paused, unable to speak. When he caught his breath, when the tears slowed down, “I don’t know how to be me without you. Everything hurts, Tooru. It hurts so much and it’s all your fault—”  
  
Hands on his face shut him up. He let Tooru guide his eyes to his, and they sat there for a while, Hajime swimming in that beautiful mess of brown.  
  
“I’m real, Hajime.”  
  
Hajime shook his head, forcing his eyes down because he knew if he didn’t he’d get lost in Tooru’s eyes, lost in his wish for those words to be the truth.  
  
“You died,” and it hurt to say it, it hurt so much that he couldn’t bare it. He hated his mind for playing tricks on him like this, for taunting him in the most painful way possible.  
  
And then there were hands on his face again, and Hajime lifted his eyes just in time to see Tooru’s lips join with his. He felt his heart fly out of his chest. He felt the world around them come crashing down. He felt every cell inside his body explode. He closed his eyes, losing himself in the kiss. Iwaizumi Hajime was not strong enough to pull away, not when every pathetic piece of him had wanted this for as long as he could remember.  
  
"Does this feel real to you?"  
  
_Yes._ Yes, it felt real.  
  
But then the warmth on his lips was disappearing and when he opened his eyes he was alone, heart sinking in his chest.  
  
He was alone.  
  
He was alone and in love with Oikawa Tooru.  
  
He was alone and in love with Oikawa Tooru, who would never know how he felt because he was dead.  
  
Oikawa Tooru was dead and Hajime thought that maybe he should be too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am...so sorry  
> the first chapter is just p a i n but i promise when oikawa comes back again it'll start to get better??  
> I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE THIS MAN  
> I AM A COMPLETE MESS  
> THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA BUT I HURT  
> feel free to message me on tumblr @ sncwbarrys i could use the attention (especially if you wanna talk about iwaoi) 
> 
> note: iwaizumi doesn't realize yet that oikawa is actually a ghost and not just his imagination!! if i continue, this realization along with the fun emotional roller coaster will come in the next chapter


	2. tell me again that you're real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so… it’s almost been a month since i posted the first chapter and i am trash!! i really didn’t think i was gonna continue w/ this bc it requires a very specific mood to be in to write but?? idk i haven’t written in like 4 days and my inner writer was crying @ me to write something SO

“If you don’t get up, I’m going to pull you out of that bed.” 

Hajime shot up from under his covers, eyes darting to where the voice came from. He groaned the second he caught sight of Tooru, chest flopping down onto the bed as he pulled the covers back over his head. It’d been three days since Tooru’s funeral, the funeral that he’d missed. It’d been three days since Hajime’s mind had concocted this imaginary Tooru, and he’d let himself believe it was only a one time thing, but here he was again, proving that Hajime was indeed going crazy. 

The worst part was, Hajime was almost glad to have the imaginary Tooru back. Even if he wasn’t real, he was something, and Hajime really needed something. He needed something to get him out of bed in the morning, something to convince him that everything would be alright, something to keep him going. 

Hajime felt a tug at his blankets before they were being torn from him, and he curled into a ball, stuffing his head into his pillow as retaliation. He was hurting, hurting so much, but this distracted him from the pain. It gave him something to feel frustrated about, something he could yell at. It gave him something to focus on. 

“Iwa-chan,” said imaginary Tooru impatiently, “Get your ass out of bed. You’ve already missed more than a week of school. More importantly, more than a week of practice!” 

Hajime’s heart skipped a beat at the familiar nickname. He let out an inaudible sigh into his pillow, shifting so that he was on his back, looking up at his dead, and currently unpleased best friend. 

“You’re not real,” was all he could say. 

Tooru’s head rolled back, a dramatic exhale following, “I thought you got the point when I kissed you.” 

“How the hell is a kiss supposed to prove to me that you’re real?!” Hajime questioned, voice raising. He’d spent almost their entire friendship wanting Tooru to kiss him, it was no surprise that his mind would make something like that up. 

“Um,” Tooru looked slightly uncomfortable now, causing Hajime to sit up straighter, “Your mind wouldn’t make something like that up...cause it’d have no reason to...cause you don’t like me,” he paused, eyes flashing insecurity before he looked to the floor, “like that.” 

Hajime let out a breath, staring intently at his friend, who was still focusing on the floor. His thoughts were racing. What was Tooru trying to say? Did he like Hajime...like that? Was Hajime’s mind really so fucked up that he was imagining Tooru, his dead best friend, confessing to him? Was this the real Tooru? It couldn’t be. The real Tooru never liked him as more than a friend. Did he? What if he had? 

Hajime wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. He spent quite a few moments struggling to find his words, until finally, “My mind has all the reason to make something like that up,“ managed its way out. 

Tooru (imaginary Tooru?) looked up at him then, eyes wide, mouth slightly parted like he was about to say something, but then he closed it, refusing to catch Hajime’s eye. And really, this was just like Tooru, unable to look him in the eyes when they could possibly be having a serious conversation, because Tooru always let his nerves get in the way, even if he was good at hiding it. (Hiding it around other people, that is, never Hajime. He could never hide it from Hajime, no matter how hard he tried.)

Before Tooru could reply, Hajime said, “Tell me again that you’re real.”

This time, Tooru caught Hajime’s eyes, “I’m real.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Hajime nodded, his heartbeat racing, “I believe you.” 

There was a lot of things he wanted to ask, a lot of things he wanted to say, but before he got the chance, Tooru was jumping onto his bed, only to push Hajime off. 

Hajime tumbled off the bed with an angry, “What the hell?!” 

Tooru leaned over the side of the bed, smiling stupidly, “It’s time for you to go to school.” 

And yeah, maybe he was right. Maybe it was time for Hajime to face the real world. Maybe he could manage, now that he had whatever the hell this was. 

Forty minutes later, Hajime was standing in front of his school’s gym, debating whether or not to go in. 

From his place behind him, Tooru put a reassuring hand on his back, “You can do this.”

Hajime wasn’t sure he could. Hajime wasn’t sure he could face them after all this time. He’d completely ignored the people he’d called his friends. He’d been selfish because he was hurting, but they were hurting, too. 

“Will you go with me?”

“I can’t.”

Hajime wasn’t sure if he meant it literally, or if it’d be too much to see his teammates, his friends, knowing that he would never be able to play with them again. He’d never make it to nationals. He’d never get to go pro. He’d never get to graduate with his friends. All his hard work, all the hours spent pushing himself, were for nothing. 

Hajime let out a shaky breath, urging himself to walk forward but feet refusing to budge. Tooru’s hand slipped from his shoulder down to Hajime’s hand, and he squeezed it tightly, giving Hajime the push he needed. 

If Tooru was still alive, Hajime would have snapped at him for doing something like that, but Tooru wasn’t alive and everything was different now. He couldn't help the anger that bubbled in his chest. He’d wasted so much time, held back so many things, because he was afraid of losing Tooru, but he’d lost him anyway. 

“I’ll catch you in class,” Tooru informed from behind, and Hajime almost wanted to stop, to turn back and wrap his arms around Tooru and never, ever let go. He didn’t know how long this would last and he wanted every last second with Tooru he could get, but he knew that wasn’t realistic. There was more to his life than Tooru, even if it sometimes felt like that wasn’t the case. 

He forced himself to keep going, and when he reached the locker room doors, he forced himself to pull them open. Kindaichi was the only one to look up at the sound, and shock immediately filled his eyes. He blinked, looking away and then back as if he was trying to determine if what he was seeing was real or not. 

“Um,” Hajime said, standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

Seconds later, all eyes were on him, looks all mirroring Kindaichi’s, until finally, Hanamaki strode over to him, throwing his arms around him. Hajime tensed at the touch.

“Iwaizumi,” he breathed in what seemed like relief, “You’re practicing today?”

Hajime nodded, and Matsukawa’s voice boomed out a, “Good,” before turning to the rest of the team and saying, “That’s that, then. I know Iwaizumi is hot, but let’s all keep our eyes to ourselves, yeah?” 

Hajime had never been more grateful for Matsukawa than he was in that moment. He didn’t want to be fussed over. He didn’t want to be asked if he was okay. He wasn't, and he didn't want to have to pretend. He just wanted to play. He just wanted to try and get his life together again, whatever that meant. 

Practice was harder than he’d expected it to be. It all felt wrong without Tooru there. When he was stretching, there was no one there to make annoying comments about how good his legs looked, and when he was running, there was no one there to tune out. But he could get over that, what he couldn’t get over was the loneliness he felt when Tooru wasn’t playing by his side, when Tooru wasn’t the one tossing to him. He found himself constantly looking around the gym, searching for Tooru, but he was never there, and it felt a little like being suffocated. 

After the second ball to the face, their coach jogged up to him and asked if he needed to sit out. All he knew was that right now, he couldn’t keep playing, not without Tooru. He simply nodded and headed to the bench, watching all his teammates play without him like they had been since Tooru died. They’d lost their captain, and Hajime was letting their vice captain slip away, too. They deserves someone better. They deserved a better ace. 

Apparently, the team felt differently. When practice was over, they circled around Hajime, causing his stomach to fill with nerves. He imagined all the things this could mean. Were they going to tell him he needed to work harder? Were they going to tell him he needed to move on? Were they going to remove him as vice captain? Were they going to kick him off the team? He’d missed so many practices, he wouldn’t blame them. 

“We want you to be our new captain,” Hanamaki announced, and everyone nodded their heads, all looking so serious. 

Hajime blinked. Of all the things he’d been expecting, that wasn’t even close. How could they want him when he could barely keep himself together? How could they want him when he couldn’t even make it through a practice? 

“I don’t deserve to be captain,” he admitted. 

It was Kindaichi who spoke up in disagreement, “You’re wrong. You deserve it more than anyone else. If you think you don’t deserve it because you’ve been gone, we all understand why you couldn’t come to practice. It’s hard for us, too, playing without him. But this is what Oikawa would have wanted. He would have wanted us to keep going, he would have wanted us to keep winning, and he would have wanted to see you become captain.” 

Hajime ignored the tears building in his eyes to ask, “Are you sure this is what you all want?” And the entire team nodded, some offering encouraging smiles. After everything, they still wanted him. More than that, they wanted him to be their captain. 

The tear that rolled down his cheek then was the first one he’d cried in over a week that wasn’t just sad, but grateful, grateful to have a team that believed in him. Grateful for the chance he didn’t think he deserved. Grateful for an opportunity he hoped he wouldn’t mess up. His team was counting on him, and while the thought scared him, it also gave him a reason to keep moving forward. 

In the locker room after practice, Hanamaki dropped a supportive hand on his shoulder, “We’re here if you need anyone to talk to,” Hajime glanced to Matsukawa who offered a nod and a half smile. 

“Thank you,” was all he could manage in response. He wanted to offer the same back, he wasn’t the only one hurting right now, but he was barely capable of taking care of himself. He didn’t think he was in a position to be offering others help. 

The only thing that got him to class was Tooru’s promise to be there, waiting for him. He was tired. Tired from practice, tired from socialization, tired from feeling like he was going to disappoint his team, tired from existing. He was just tired, and he wanted to go home and sleep for a few more days before he faced anyone else, but Tooru was waiting for him and he couldn’t avoid life forever, no matter how much he wished he could. 

When he walked into his first class, Tooru was sitting in his seat, but the moment he saw Hajime, he stood up, pulling the seat out and gesturing towards it. Hajime gave him an unamused look, though the beating of his heart would have exposed him for what he really was, which was thankful, thankful that Tooru was still here. 

“You’re such an idiot,” Hajime said, and Tooru laughed, and it was a sound that Hajime had missed so, so much. 

“Iwa-chan, are you talking to yourself?” Tooru asked, and Hajime scrunched his face in confusion, about to ask him what he meant until he caught the eye of another classmate, looking at him like he was crazy. Because to everyone else, it looked like he’d just called the air an idiot. He sighed loudly, his head falling into his hands. 

Tooru spent the day whispering in Hajime’s ear, taking pleasure in the fact that Hajime couldn’t respond without appearing to be talking to himself. He was already getting enough weird looks as it was for constantly swatting at the air, when really he was just hitting Tooru for being such a little shit. 

Hajime took lunch as an opportunity to drag Tooru somewhere without people and inform him that he was, “the most annoying ghost on the entire planet,” to which Tooru replied he was also the prettiest, earning a sigh and a push from Hajime. Even in the afterlife, Tooru couldn’t leave Hajime alone. 

But it didn’t matter how many times he rolled his eyes, or how many times he risked looking weird to hit Tooru, he was so thankful that he was here. Hajime clung to every stupid word that left Tooru’s mouth, hoping desperately that they wouldn’t be the last. Hajime wasn’t really annoyed, not even a little, because he knew what it felt like to be missing all of those “annoying” comments, and it was far, far worse than dealing with them. 

Pretending to be annoyed, though, was easier than accepting that technically, Tooru was still dead. Pretending to be annoyed was easier than accepting that this would come to an end, that it had to, eventually. Pretending to be annoyed was easier than accepting that his heart still ached. 

He spent the entire day pretending to be annoyed, until it came to the walk home from school, and they let a silence fall over them. Then, Hajime couldn’t pretend anymore. 

“We need to talk,” he said, pushing down the nerves he felt. 

“Yeah,” Tooru replied softly, his confidence faltering, “I guess we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHH  
> IM SORRY  
> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!!  
> I HAVE NO IDEA IF I'LL BE ABLE TO WRITE A THIRD CHAPTER (i have a vague idea of what it'd be? im just. IDK)  
> thank u sm to everyone who left kudos/comments!! it means a lot to me and it pushes me to write SOOO  
> sorry i'm such a trashcan


End file.
